too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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