Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
