Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
