can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
