Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
