I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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