I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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