i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
