I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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