I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
