it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
