No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So many bounce houses so little time
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Randomize
