guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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