1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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