you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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