His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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