capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
