her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
