Cold hands, warm shart.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
