i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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