I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
