I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize