someone get that fucking seahorse.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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