I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
