You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
