Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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