When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
