i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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