just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
