insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
