my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
