Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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