so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize