Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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