I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
