I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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