Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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