Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
