They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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