Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize