You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
