Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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