i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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