If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
