I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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