I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
