at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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