I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
