for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
