Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
