Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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