hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
