My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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