Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
