I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just googled if crying burns calories
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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