I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
