It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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