I look better un-naked...
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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