She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
