im drinking this country out of the recession.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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