I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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