Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I need a beard to bite.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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