and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
