her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
